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My experience with miscarriage, one year ago today.




This is not for the weak hearted or weak stomached.


One year ago tonight, I experienced the worst pain and suffering. The agony of loss. It was just 3-4 weeks before that I was going to my 12 week prenatal visit and I was excited to hear my baby's heart beat at that appointment. However the Doppler wasn't picking up a beat so they used an ultrasound. When I looked at the screen I thought three things: shouldn't my baby be bigger by now, why isn't it moving around, and did I see two heads? The doctor told me with as much sympathy as possible that she was 90% sure that I had miscarried, she said she couldn't find the heartbeat. She asked to me to come back after the weekend to check again. I was immediately sobbing and crushed. This had never happened to me... I've had 4 healthy babies and pregnancies.... Why have I been so sick with morning sickness then... This can't be real....
I asked my pastors and a couple family members to pray with me that God would make my baby's heartbeat beat again, I kept praying for life.
After a long weekend I went back for another ultrasound, praying the first one was wrong. Unfortunately the technician couldn't find a heartbeat either. Sobbing and not understanding why this would happen and how God could let it happen I was escorted to another room to talk. My midwife came in and apologized. She also mentioned that it looked like the baby stopped developing at 9-10 weeks. Also she said, "we are seeing two heads but can not tell if there's two babies or if your baby was conjoined." WHAT!" Really who thinks that the pain could get worse! They talked to me about getting a D&C to which I refused. First of all I was still believing for my baby or babies to come back to life! And I don't like D&C's procedure for my own body or the disposal of the baby. Another ultrasound was set up for about a week later, they wanted to see if they could tell if it was one or two babies.
Again I asked for people to stand in prayer with me to believe that there were two separate babies that could would bring to life. I spoke and declared every life bearing scripture for another week while I waited for another ultrasound. I imagined the awesomeness of having twins. Again I was hugely disappointed. And they still couldn't get a clear view of baby so they assumed it was conjoined twins and that's probably why I miscarried. Again I was offered a D &C to which I stated that if it was a miscarriage then it will happen naturally.
I can't explain the pain and hope deferred I was feeling. While all this was going on my husband and I were separated then too. We've had some struggles.

I shared with my children one day, that mommy had two babies in her belly but they died somehow. That was an awful thing to have to experience.
I felt alone. Everyday I waited for my body to pass my baby or babies yet everyday that went by I thought "maybe there's still hope then". I called a nurse finally to ask what I should really expect because none of the midwives had said much on what a natural miscarriage is like. I informed her that I'm afraid of leaving my house to do errands or anything because I don't want to miscarry in public. "Oh don't worry about that, your records say that your babies are about 9 weeks, that's tiny, so tiny you won't even notice". Oh ok? I'm trying to figure out how someone can pass 9 week fetus and not notice? Days went by and I still hadn't miscarried or shown signs of miscarriage so I had another ultrasound. My doctor had become nervous because there becomes more and more risk for hemorrhaging, especially after a month goes by and still haven't miscarried. Again no movement, no growth, but the doctor can see that the shape of the sac is starting to change as it looks like it's going to exit the body soon. After this I started having cramps off and on. Then began to bleed. Every time I used the bathroom I was checking for a this tiny thing I was told I would miss. Thick clots would pass and I wondered if my baby was enclosed in it because I just literally had no idea what to expect.One night so bad I spent an hour in the tub in the middle of the night feeling like I was in labor while the kids slept .

On October 15,2013 about 7 pm, kids and I were just finishing dinner when I left the table to lay on the couch, I started feeling really cramps and then really fast it became like labor pains. I tried to be as quiet as possible but my oldest son heard me groaning and came to my side to rub my back. I got off the couch and onto my hands and knees , it was intense. I quickly got up to run upstairs to the bathroom and as I stepped into the bathroom something popped and sank down my pants. I was muffling screams and sobbing and trying to step into my bathtub as blood was dripping from my pants and onto the floor and now the tub. I reached my hand into my pantleg and held what was very warm and large and pulled my hand out. It was about the size of a softball at least, a little bigger. It looked like an organ from my body. Grayish. Tough. I screamed and cried, the door was shut. With my left hand I pulled off my clothes as I stayed in the tub holding onto to this ball that held my baby or babies inside and I'm in shock, horror and yet I'm curious. I want to know if something was wrong with my baby or if I had twins. How do I see inside? Do I open this? Is that gross? Am I going to like what I see? What am I supposed to do with this? I carefully try and see if I can tear at this thick gray tissue. Doesn't seem like it's budging! Cry some more. And lots of "Why God?Why?" I try off and on for awhile, partly not wanting to hurt or break what's inside yet wanting to be able to get through this tough outside of the sac. Finally I am able to. I can see a clear sac inside once I get a piece removed. And oh my God, I can see TWO babies swimming in this clear sac. "Two babies, Lord I had two babies!! Why? Why take them then?" I decide to continue in this process. I'm partly in disbelief that I am even doing this but I can't explain the sense of needing to see my babies! I reach around the tub and onto a shelf, I grab a tin can that I put there for putting my babies in when I miscarried and a tiny recieving blanket that I stuffed inside. It was all I could think to do for preparing for this moment and not knowing really what to expect . All I knew was that I was not flushing my babies down the toilet like I had heard others had done. I took the blanket out laid it on the floor of the tub and set the sac on it. I finished opening the sac to reveal my two precious babies. So very tiny yet none of this was like what that nurse had said. How could one not notice what just happened to me? This is also why I write this. There is not enough information out there and nobody talks about this stuff and most people have a D&C  because of not knowing what to expect or what to do with it's body. Each baby was about 2/3's of my finger long. Not very big but extremely noticeable to pass from your body even if there was only one baby and no sac. At 9-10 weeks, there were there two arms and hands,two legs and feet, two black dots for eyes, a cute head and nose,and even a smile. They had their thumb up to their mouth. I rubbed their heads as I cried "I would've had so much more for you than this". I drowned myself in tears over this. They looked so fragile. No mother is supposed to see her baby at this stage in life. The day you deliver is supposed to be the happiest day in your life, not the worst day of your life. I wanted to take a picture of them. I called for my oldest to bring me my phone and he brought it upstairs though I didn't open the door for him to see anything nor did I tell him what was going on yet. I took a photo. And then I struggled with how to put them into this tall cylinder can with the blanket without damaging parts if their body or squishing them. Things no one should have to think of. I had to grab scissors and cut part of the blanket so it would fit better and I carefully tried to wrap them and say goodbye. I set them on a shelf up high in my bathroom as I don't want my boys to open it up and find that. I cleaned myself up and the bathroom. I felt empty. I kept replaying what had just happened over and over again.

The next day I tried searching online for ideas on what to do with my babies. I read some people had buried them with a tree or plant. But I heard that someone said that a funeral parlor had done a service. I know people may think that's really extreme but these were MY babies and I wanted to do what I felt was right and appropriate for them . I called my local funeral home explaining this all and with a very sympathetic heart he shared that his wife and himself had a miscarriage years ago as well but had a D&C . I told him I was wondering if there were any options for my scenario as I wasn't sure where to bury them and that I didn't have a plot. I don't remember what he shared for burial options (except that using your yard) but he did say cremation was a possibility . I set up an appointment and carried my girls to the funeral parlor in their blue butterfly decorated tin can. I felt incredibly silly and yet I didn't care what anyone thought of me, I was hurting and these were my babies. We sat for a long while and talked about many things pertaining to the process of cremation and papers that needed to given to him, etc. He have me two extremely tiny urns, smaller than my hands. He said I could use the funeral home to hold a small service if I wanted. He told me that he would call my doctor the next day to get an approval he needed from a paper that is for when babies die before 20 weeks gestation. He asked me if I wanted to take them home with me and come back when they were ready to go forth or if I wanted to leave them there. He was so respectful and kind and loving. I expressed that maybe I should leave them because I didn't want to put them in my fridge like I had read a people had done (even the freezer), to help with the process of decay. I said good bye again and sobbed some more. The next day I got a phone call from the funeral home and he profusely apologized that the doctor he talked to said that they couldn't give him the paper he needed and the cremation person said the babies were just to small and there would be no ashes left. He said he was willing to drive to my house and bring them back,which he did. Then I felt worse that here I am passing this can with them in it back and forth and questioning how silly was I to think of a funeral home. Now what do I do? Part of me wanted to see them again, in the privacy of my room I opened the cover to peek again but the smell hit my nose and I covered it back up and lost it in tears again. "Why did I just do that?" I placed the can up high again so my kids wouldn't find it.  I had no place to bury them except somewhere around my home (which I rent) and my fear was that I'd move someday. I got a shovel and picked a beautiful spot and dug. When I finished I came inside and explained to the boys that the babies that were in my belly and died had come out and that I was going to bury them because that's what people sometimes do with their bodies even though their spirits go to heaven. I asked them all if they would like to participate with me to which they agreed. I told them I had wrote them a letter and that I was going to bury it with them and asked if they would like to draw a picture or write something too . They all did. My oldest kept his in a sealed envelope, and they younger ones drew pictures.  I wrapped the can in a blanket just for my kids to not really have to see this in their minds , I brought it down and we went outside. I explained that they were both in the blanket and I placed them in the freshly dug hole. We sang How He Loves and  Jesus Loves Me. I read my letter and the boys read theirs and we covered them up.we stayed awhile and I answered their questions. Tough questions. And some I told them I don't know.

The day after we buried them, my doctors office called, they had the fetal death certificate that the man from the funeral parlor needed. They apologized that they ended up doing some research to find out what paper they would've needed for a "fetus" under 20 weeks. Also at a follow up appointment I shared with my midwife what actually happened and said how upset I was about what the nurse had told me on the phone vs. what actually happened. I shared that I had two separate babies and there was nothing conjoined about them and how perfect they looked. She profusely apologized and said she would share my story with her staff.


 My babies were given names, I believe with all my heart that they were girls . Because I had identical twins, I had read  it was rare to have two boys and there would never be a boy and a girl. I felt they were my girls .

I named them :
Evangeline Honor and Avaline Grace


Their name meant life and I wanted to honor them by naming them . Some may find it silly but this is what I felt was appropriate and honoring. I will never understand why this happened. I hurt over it. I still grieve. I think about them all the time . Their due date was  April 4,2014 so they would've been 6-7 months old right now . I imagine what life would've been like with twins. I just had a daughter 6 weeks ago. I don't understand it all. But I do know that I wouldn't have my daughter Promise right now if they hadn't passed away .

 I've been studying God's word and it seems that God is not the one who takes life, He only gives life. The enemy comes to seek,kill,and destroy. I can't blame God for their death. But I do wonder why not raise them back to life? I do wonder why the blessing, double blessing... If only to be gone to quickly . None of it makes sense. I just choose to trust that God has it all in the palms of His hands. He uses all things for His glory. ALL!
I hope my story can help someone out. This was my experience. I know that I'll see my daughters again. I have 7 children all together . I am blessed.


Picture Below, Warning!!!




If I can help one woman to know what to expect during a miscarriage or if I can save one baby from a woman's choice to have an abortion then that will be enough. I want to share my picture of babies at 9-10 weeks gestation. They are precious. They are not a ball of cells that are meaningless. They were intricately made.








"Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations." Jeremiah 1:5


"For You created my inmost being, You knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise You because I am fearfully and wonderfully made." Psalms 139:13-14

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